Sorry for not posting yesterday, I was a little afraid to put this up. I ended up not putting anything too graphic into it because I honestly don't remember too much of it. But one day, I'll get the courage to ask my mom what I told her about my brother.
Like I've said before, I'm not looking for pity, I just want others to know that things get better. :)
This story is very short, but lives with me every day of my life. This will be a hard story to tell so bear with me if it seems a little confusing. I can only tell what I know, and remember.
From when I have been brave enough to talk to my mother about my brother, half-brother anyway, I learned he was always a little...off.
I only have one main memory of what he did to me....
[please be mature about this]
The memories I have don't have too much of a start and finish, they're just kind of there. And they are always in the same place.
And I mainly only remember him watching me.
If you understand where I am going with this, then please, don't be sorry. It has long passed.
Anyway, for days, or weeks, he'd watch me while I was using the toilet. I don't remember if he ever said anything. I just know that he was always watching me. Whenever I went in, he'd knock and come in after me.
Yes, you read that right. He knocked.
Only once that I remember though, did he do anything to me.
No, he didn't rape me "down there". But he did force me to do other stuff that I was unwilling to do.
I was standing in front of the sink and my next memory is me on my knees and his pants pulled down in front of me.
I remember him saying stuff to me, telling me to, but I wouldn't. He kept telling me to, over and over. Finally, I remember him grabbing me and pulling me to him.
Nothing I do will erase the feeling of him doing that to me. There is no way to take away the feeling of being forced to do that. I can still remember how it felt, how it taste, how it smelt. And I want to cry whenever I think about it.
The worst part? He won't even admit to it. Over a decade later, and he still says he did nothing.
Even worse? My dad believes him.
I know the dad thing might seem insignifigant, but tomorrow, when I talk about my dad, you'll understand. The pieces are finally going to fall together.
On the other hand, less than a month until I graduate. I'm counting down the days....